i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
