I'm lost and stupid without you.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
