really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
