Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
