this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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