I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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