you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
