i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She's the barista slut.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
