I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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