a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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