They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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