For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
