I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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