The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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