This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
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