I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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