Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
