Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
