My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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