turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
