Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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