The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
