She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
