you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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