Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
