I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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