I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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