Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
