i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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