Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
did i walk over a car last night?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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