Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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