so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
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