Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
