Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
