What did we do last night that was yellow?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
