i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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