You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
