I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
