Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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