If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
