the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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