Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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