i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
