hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
