Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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