May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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