Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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