i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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