mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
