We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
