Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
